How to Have Quiet Sex When You're Sharing a House
From moans and groans to creaky bedsprings, sex brings with it an entire orchestra of weird and wonderful noises.
But when you're sharing that house with others, be it members of the family or housemates who could hear a pin drop, hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing can seem... trickier.
A house full of people isn't the easiest place to get it on, but before you put a ban on bonking, or throw your favourite vibrator to the back of a drawer, here are some handy tips to help you get your rocks off in incognito mode.
Super Stealthy Sexytime
If you or your partner tend to be quite vocal when you're in the moment, music is great – it masks gasps, moans and your magic wand's highest setting.
Tell your family you've got a massive pile of work to do, put a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on your door and turn up the music.
When it comes to positions, you're going to be limited to slightly less athletic ones – especially if you're on a creaky bed.
Spoons is a winner when you want to keep it down, as there's less thrusting involved – plus if anyone interrupts you you can pretend you're having a quick cuddle.
Or try a horizontal version of doggy style, where the noisiest partner lies on their stomach, and muffles any moans with a cushion.
Speaking of soft furnishings, if a squeaky bed is your issue you can always move things to the floor. Don't forget to throw your duvet down first – unless your WFH-outfit covers up carpet burns.
Oh Come All Ye Playful
Extra-quiet sex toys are perfect for undercover action, and Lovehoney have a whole section devoted to bullets, rabbits and massage wands that are barely audible - especially when there's a wall between you and your relatives.
The Womanizer Premium has a Smart Silence function, which means it only turns on when it comes into close contact with your body, and turns off when contact is broken. Plus, the fluttering, oral-sex-style sensations are whisper quiet.
If you're really worried, do the 'closed door test' with your sex toy: switch it on, shut the door and see if you can really hear it. If you can't, they probably won't be able to, either.
Don't forget non-vibrating toys like dildos and strokers, too - if you've never tried one, now's the time!
Jingle Bell Cock
If you can't trust yourself to keep it down, wait until everyone is out in the garden or on their daily walk or run. Build the tension with suggestive texts and subtle touching throughout the day, then make your excuses and stay home.
If full sex is off the table you can enjoy other forms of intimacy instead – it'll only make it more exciting when you're finally alone.
69-ing is great if you're worried about being overheard, as both your mouths are busy – if you're feeling competitive, challenge each other to keep as quiet as you can, and add a drizzle of flavoured lube to make your frolics extra delicious.
Singing in the Shower
In most family homes, the bathroom is the only room with a lock on the door, so it's the perfect place to escape for half an hour of uninterrupted fun with your favourite waterproof toy.
Sneaking off for a steamy shower with your SO might seem like a great idea, but choose your timing wisely – nothing says 'buzzkill' quite like a queue of people waiting for you to be 'done'.
Just have a look at the 'Specifics' section when you're reading about the toy and check that it says 'Submersible.'
So there we have it – you should now be ready for some silent-but-sensational sex.
What are your tips for keeping it down when you're sharing your space? Share them with us in the comments below.
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