Galentine’s Day: Cringe Confessions 2023 Edition
on 1 Jan 2023
It’s that time of the year where we share your funniest and most embarrassing stories, Lovehoney style.
An embarrassing story can have you remembering it for years and years after the faithful moment occurred and you never know when the cringe-worthy memory might come back to haunt you. But you know what can make you feel better? Laughing about it with other people who have equally (or even worse) embarrassing stories than you do. Last year we gave you our first iteration of Cringe Confessions and this year the Lovehoney Forum is back to deliver on the goods again. It’s a Galentine’s Day tradition after all.
So sit back and relax knowing that there is someone out there who has probably had a cringier moment (or moments) in the bedroom than you.
What We All Look for in a New Home
“Not so much an accident but an oversight. So, our house is on the market, there were two viewings one day when we were out. The previous night was one of those when the toy box was out. Everything put away safely, double checked and happy. Jump into our large, mirrored shower when we get home realising that still proudly stuck on the mirror in completely plain sight was our shower fun suction cup dildo. Oh well, it shows that the shower is big enough for two!”
When The Caravan’s a Rockin’...
“Couple of years back before I got married, I went on holiday with my partner, her kids and parents. She and I went for a walk and she had a pair of jiggle balls in. By the time we got back she was incredibly horny. Her parents had taken the boys out for a while, so we decided to have fun.
Unfortunately, we were staying in a caravan. The sex was great. The caravan was rocking. Apparently, several people reported it to the campsite manager, worried there was a fight or something equally as bad. The campsite manager called her dad who came rushing back with the boys. He burst into the caravan and came to our bedroom door and heard his daughter climax. Seconds later both her kids come in and jump on the bed asking what we are doing. We explained we were cuddling and her dad asked if she could cuddle quieter next time. Thank God the boys didn’t realise we were naked under the covers.”
“So, I was going through customs at the airport a few months ago on my way back from holiday. It was my first time getting a plane by myself and so I was a bit nervous. Once I get to security, I put my bags on the conveyer belt to go through the scanner and they seemed to have found something suspicious. So, they take my bag and bring me over to them to watch them start to unpack my bag in front of everyone with only a transparent piece of plastic between myself and the security guard.
It was then I heard a loud humming noise coming my bag...
The security man was taking his sweet time emptying the contents of my bag, unrolling a black corset in front of passers-by, already capturing attention. I am a shy person most days and once it came to the mysterious humming sound became louder as he got closer to it, the security guard asked me what it could be as he dug deeper. I stuttered, panicking as I realised what had happened.
Somehow my giant vibrating dildo had turned on the vibrating setting to full. Once the security guard found it, he went 'ah'. Not only did he try to turn it off because people were watching he managed to turn on the rotation mechanism that was even louder. Fighting with the buttons to make it stop he alternates between all the modes; he held it as close as he could inside the bag to attempt to save my dignity and, in the end, had to get me to come around to the other side of the plastic shield to turn it off.
The security guy did a huge sigh of relief. I on the other hand said, 'can I go now?' in complete humiliation because it was very obvious to everyone around me what had happened. He didn't bother trying to fold anything to put my stuff back in, I didn't care. I was just glad in a way that it was my first time flying alone and my parents were not present.
Lesson learned: Remove your batteries before packing.”
When The Show Ends with a Bang
“A few years ago, I felt quite bold and decided to do a strip tease for my partner at the time, the mood was set, lights off, candles lit, sexy music on, he was on the bed and I was at the other end of the room in the hopes I’d saunter over seductively. So I start, all seems well, thought as I was taking off my top I’d throw my head back to let my hair flip back in time with the music, one, two, three…and boom, battered my head square off the wall behind me, next thing I remember I was on the floor with a pounding headache, I was apparently out for 20 minutes and there was a slight dent in the wall where I hit it, safe to say, I’ve never done a strip tease again!”
The Runaway Dildo
“I once helped a friend move house, and whilst carrying a small chest up the sloped driveway, a drawer slid open and a rather large dildo fell out, then rolled down the drive and into the middle of the road. This being the middle of the day, unfortunately it meant people were in the cul-de-sac to view this happening.
“Who’s Your Daddy?”
“I had just ventured into the world of sex after splitting with my first boyfriend. I had always been naive when it came to sex. I didn't watch porn or really know much except for what me and my boyfriend had done.
I had started seeing this guy. Whilst doing the deed he came out with "who's your daddy?" I was a bit thrown by this. Apparently telling him my father's name was not what he was after. We laughed a heck of a lot and had to stop.
Still hilarious yet embarrassing all at once.”
A Long, Long Dinner
“When I'd first met my wife me and her were listening to some music in her room at her parent’s house, doing a bit of heavy petting, she then went downstairs to get a drink. Me on hearing footsteps coming up the stairs, pulled down my pants and lay spread eagled on the bed, assuming I would give her a laugh or shock whatever. But it was only her mother (my now mother-in-law) come to see if I was staying for tea. It was the most embarrassing meal I've ever eaten, still gets brought up to this day.”
Tied Up In Knots
“Before we were married, I used to sleep over at Mr Scorpius’s parents’ house on the weekends. One evening we were having some fun, Mr Scorpius tied me up to the headboard using a couple of his work ties. Whilst in the throes of passion, I managed to pull just a bit too hard and the whole bedhead completely collapsed making a horrendous crashing noise. Suffice to say the whole family came rushing upstairs to see what on earth had happened!
Poor Mr Scorpius was frantically trying to untie me but the knots had gone very tight (this was before the luxury of velcro cuffs or buckles!), whilst they were knocking on the door asking, “is everything ok in there?” “We’re fine thanks, just dropped a glass of water!” he replied, but they still kept on knocking and insisting to see if we were ok. Amongst the giggling, he eventually managed to get me free, grab some clothes for us, deliberately spill some water and let them in. To say they were suspicious of our flustered appearance was an understatement…”
Couldn’t Have Said It Better Ourselves
“Had been discussing with a partner about using sexy/dirty talk in bed and he agreed to try it next time. Fast forward to the next time and he's remained fairly quiet, so I figure that he's probably not comfortable with it and that's that. I get on top of him, grinding away and getting close when he suddenly says, 'yeah, ride the cock train to orgasm town'. Couldn't contain my laughter, rolled off him onto the floor in hysterics. Thankfully he was laughing too :'D."