Galentine’s Day Special: Cringe Confessions!
on 6 Jan 2022
Here’s a blast from the past for you - 90s and 00s girl magazines, and the iconic CRINGE confession pages. If you weren’t sending love on Bebo, or living your fashion designer dreams on Dollzmania, or texting codes to dubious subscription companies to get a new polyphonic ringtone, chances are you were flicking through the teen bible of Mizz Magazine.
Full to the brim of lush lads, advice from celebs on pimples and periods, and ‘real life’ stories, nearly every girl at school was an avid fan of these magazines. But no pages were more important than the ‘Cringe Confessions’. Falling over in front of your crush, sneezing in front of your crush, just being near your crush - CRINGE.
We may all have grown up now, and be more focused on our careers and mortgages than which toothpaste to put on our spots, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still revel in the embarrassing stories of our peers. In the spirit of Galentine’s Day, grab your midnight snack and your Bang On The Door pyjamas… it’s time for some Lovehoney-style Cringe Confessions from our colleagues and forum members. #Awkward
“I didn’t know what else to do”
“One time, my partner and I were getting down and dirty. He was pulling my hair, there was scratching and biting, and things were really heating up. I was giving him head and throwing my all into it - eye contact, deep throating, moaning… when he suddenly bucked his hips, and his dick hit the back of my throat.
The vomit was immediate and uncontrollable. We both stopped in shock. There was sick everywhere, all over his crotch, the bed, my own face. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before, and from the look on his face, nor to him either.
There is no excuse for what happened next. All I can say is that I was in shock, definitely dazed, and honestly I didn’t know what else to do. So… I just… leant down… and went to carry on. As if nothing had happened.
He immediately stopped me (thank god) and gently suggested we go to the bathroom to clean up. We showered in silence, changed the bedsheets in silence, and went to bed. When I told my best friend about it the next day, she laughed so hard I thought she was going to be sick herself!” - H
Cops and robbers
“My friend's 6 year old son wanted to see our antisocial cat, who was hiding under our bed. After he'd given the cat a stroke, the little lad did a quick gaze around our bedroom, his eyes alighting on the handcuffs on the end of the bedpost. "Why have you got handcuffs in your bedroom Aunty D? Do you and Uncle D play cops and robbers?!". Cue me spluttering that, yes, yes, we did play cops and robbers and hadn't we better be going downstairs because it was time to go out for dinner.
Off he trots and I thought I'd got away with it but noooooooooo - later that evening, in the fairly crowded (but not very noisy) restaurant, tucking into dinner with his Mum, Dad, slightly older brother and us, he pipes up during a conversational lull. "Mammy, Daddy, Aunty and Uncle D play cops and robbers like we do at home! They've got proper metal handcuffs though. I saw them in their bedroom!". How much did I want the ground to open up and swallow me, and my handcuffs?!” - D
“Furiously scrubbing my bits”
“The first time I used a warming lube, I didn’t think to test a small bit on a different area of my body first to check how sensitive I would be to it. Or work out that with something that heats up on your genitals, less is probably more. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
Instead, I poured a huge handful of it all over myself and my partner, and we started going at it. 1 minute later, everything is on fire! The sheer volume of warming lube has created Dante’s Inferno inside my nether regions, and in my blind panic I shove my partner off me with no explanation and run, yelping, to the bathroom.
When he followed me trying to work out what was going on, he found me spread-eagled in the bath trying to get my coochie under the cold tap, splashing water all over the room making little ‘ooooh, hhoooooh’ noises as it washed off. Not quite the sexy night in I’d had planned!” - B
A thorough search
“Did you know that in certain nightclubs, there are arcade-style claw grab machines where the ‘toys’ you try to grab and win are sex toys? The first time I saw one I (of course) played it, and I won a pretty large, garish sex toy. I threw it into my handbag, and carried on with the night, never to think of it again.
Around 6 months later, I was called to a Crown Court as a witness to a serious crime. I was very nervous, and spent a long time making sure I looked very clean and tidy and professional. When you get to a court you go through security which is similar to that of an airport - you walk through a body scanner, are patted down, your bags and pockets are checked. The security guard there was a very large, very serious looking man which did nothing to ease my nerves.
I was watching as he unzipped the middle section of my handbag when I had the realisation that - oh my god… that section is full of tampons!! There are like 20 tampons in there!! Why do I keep SO MANY TAMPONS in my bag??
His hand reaches in ‘...wait a minute…’ and starts pulling out ‘...oh my god there’s something else in there…’ THE CLAW GRAB SEX TOY. This weird little panicked coughing noise came out of him and he immediately dropped the toy and thrust my bag at me, waving me through. That day was 10/10 on the stress scale!” - A
“Riding me like SeaBiscuit”
“My wife recently acquired a butt plug tail and enjoys wearing it during love making. One time I arrived home after an evening out to find my wife wearing a negligee and her butt plug tail, leaving me in no doubt what she wanted.
Taking the hint I made a beeline for the bedroom. We were soon engaged, with my wife on top riding me like SeaBiscuit. This is when disaster struck.
My wife screamed in agony as our cat launched himself off the top of the wardrobe, where he sleeps, and sank his talons into her bum. And continued to chase her tail after she jumped off me and ran for dear life. Suffice to say whenever the butt plug tail is in use the cat is locked in the kitchen from now on…” - A