Ask Robin: "Should I Sleep With My Housemate?"

by Lovehoney

on 11 Jun 2019


Dear Robin,

My housemate and I have really great chemistry. It started with a little bit of flirting on a night out, but lately it's more than that, and we've even started sending suggestive texts.

The other night we both slept in the same bed. Nothing happened, except for a bit of cuddling, but now I can't stop thinking about it.

We're both single, and I feel like maybe we should just have sex and get it over with. The thing is, we live with two other housemates. Should I just try and ignore how I'm feeling?

From walking in on your housemate mid-wee, to living with someone who prefers a passive agressive Post-it to a conversation, moving into a shared house has its fair share of pitfalls. Fancying your housemate isn't ideal, but it happens. Here's how to deal with it.

You mention ignoring the feelings in the hope that they disappear, which would be great, if it worked! Yes, feelings can fade and the initial excitement of living with someone you're attracted to can wear off once you get to know them (especially if they start stealing all your cereal). But pushing these feelings to the back of your mind probably won't work if they're already on your mind this much.

Also, it's possible that one of the big reasons you're so into the idea is because it's 'forbidden'. The thrill of having a secret between the two of you, the late night sneaking around, the possibility of getting caught... off-limits sex can be loads of fun. While all that build-up can be really exciting, there are a few things to consider if you do decide to go there.

Most importantly, you need to both be on the same page, and the only way to find out is by being honest about your feelings. If you want a casual, short-lived fling, you need to be sure your housemate feels the same way, and that they're not secretly hoping for a relationship. If they are, or you are and they're not, it's likely that sex will complicate things. And then you'll be living together... which could get awkward, fast.

If you've established you both want the same things, then one option is to explore your connection. You're going to have to be prepared for people finding out, though – that's if they haven't sussed out the situation already. You might think you're doing a good job of being discreet, but it's pretty tricky to keep something like this under wraps when you're sharing a house. Even if they don't catch you in the act or hear something, your housemates will probably be able to detect a subtle shift in the way you behave around each other.

"You need to be on the same page,
so be honest about your feelings"

Of course, you might find that the novelty wears off once other people know. If not, and this becomes a thing, it's important you consider the other people living with you. Don't forget, they probably didn't imagine they'd be living with a couple, so you're going to have to do your best to minimise any awkwardness. You're entitled to enjoy yourselves, but keeping noise to a minimum is going to make this a whole lot easier for everyone involved.

Music can hide moans and mattress squeaks, and positions with less thrusting can stop your headboard from banging against the wall (and keeping your poor housemate up all night). Noisy bed? Move things to the floor, but don't forget to put a blanket down. Carpet burns and bruises will give the game away if you're still pretending you're just friends.

If you really can't be quiet, build up the tension with texts throughout the day, then make your excuses and stay home when everyone else goes to the pub.

Extra-quiet sex toys and games are perfect for undercover fun – if you're really worried about people overhearing, wait until everyone's out, switch your vibe on and see if you can hear it from the next room.

4 Ideas for Discreet Sex

Keep it down while you're getting it on...



Written by Lovehoney. For collaborative posts between Lovehoney team members and guest authors
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Originally published on 11 Jun 2019. Updated on 5 Aug 2020